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Stories
"What a lively little girl she
was! From the time she could sit up she could rock her pram or
high chair 'til
they
tipped over, child and all. We were flat out devising ways
to keep her safe.
A year or two later she could stack all her toys (the bigger
ones) to get over the 5ft paling fence, fall down the other
side and hot foot it to the playmates house.
Right from eighteen months or so she
was a very independent little girl. Her catch cry was "I do, I do!" Clothing
always had to be very practical; no frills, puff sleeves
or sashes, no buttons down the back and long before she
started school, school shoes were all she wanted ... and gumboots!"
Written by my Mother (73) in February 2001
My childhood was a time of great freedom and happiness. With
Dad being a night shift worker, I was encouraged to play outside.
(I wore overalls, shirts and lace-up shoes or gumboots). I
built cubby houses, made traps for the ducks in the park, tunnelled
length wise through the hedge, went rabbiting with the boys
next door, roamed the local area collecting tadpoles and found
adventures to have with my mates.
At twelve, I loved my skateboard and playing sport. I joined
the guides to go camping, and was later asked to leave because
I mucked around too much during domestic-type training activities.
I had to suffer through a few knitting lessons - only for the
girls in my class at school - and Mum stretched my was-gonna-be-a-long-red-footy-scarf
into a coat-hanger cover.
My early years were times of great freedom to be me. I am
aware of how fortunate I was to have parents who let me be!
The Middle Years
My mates, the boys, treated me differently now that we were
in high school. My friends said I was 'a girl!'. I felt terribly
offended and bewildered by this sudden turn of events. I wasn't
'a girl'; I wasn't like girls at all! I was one of the boys
... always had been. I looked at the girls and tried to work
them out - but it was all completely incomprehensible to me.
I just wasn't like them! I didn't understand the dynamics of
girl's lives, and I couldn't relate to their talk of clothes,
boys, other girls, pop stars and the like.
In early high school, I felt that I was the most normal person
around; some of the boys were stupid for not letting me be
one of them and most of the girls were stupid because they
did 'silly' things. I survived by not attaching myself to one
group, and not being in the 'victim' group who suffered terrible
harassment. I soon worked out that I needed to be able to get
along with everyone, at least on a surface level. The 'pretend'
game began!
By mid to late high school, I knew that I was different to
the other girls ... but I had no idea why and didn't want to
be like them anyway. My boyfriends were my tennis mates, (I
decided boyfriends were ok to have around, but generally not
so important in my life that I needed to talk about them or
fuss over them in any way).
I didn't have a place for me any more and I learnt to live
in the middle of everyone. (This continued for more than twenty-five
years.)
I went to teachers' college, partied with everyone, but never
got too close to people. I didn't know I'd become a detached
person; I functioned easily through humour in my peer group.
I never gave anything of me to anyone. I always felt I had
to keep myself to me; I didn't know why ... I just felt safer.
The year I was married I met some 'different women' at a teachers'
conference. I was totally fascinated, never said a word, listened
to every word they said and recognised ... something! I went
on with my middle-life and had two children. I must have heard
of lesbians at some time, but I have no memory of when. Every
chance I got, I read lesbian books. I thought I was becoming
obsessed with a lesbian fantasy and believed that my real world
would always be my marriage.
Seven years later, a mother at a school where I taught started
to talk to me after school each day. This went on for ages;
I had no idea what was coming! Eventually, she told me how
she felt. My jaw dropped to the floor, bounced back to my face
and I 'went for it'. Three months later, I got scared; I was
happily sitting on a fence, my husband and kids on one side
and my lover on the other side. She was becoming emotionally
attached to me and had to go. (I am not happy at how I handled
this time in my life; but my marriage had become my middle-life
and afforded me protection from questioning myself too deeply.)
It was another 8 years before I came out.
I thought I could have been bisexual, or addicted to sexual
fantasy; I didn't think I was a lesbian because I was married
and had kids!
In 1998, my close friendship
with another married woman became a two and a half-year
relationship. For a short time,
I didn't
want to lose my marriage ... and I didn't want to stop
the relationship. "I had my cake and ate it too!"
My marriage quickly started to fall apart. I knew I was a
lesbian, and would not remain married. I also knew my lover
and I were not right for each other. My husband and lover were
both angry with me for my lack of commitment, my emotional
detachment, and my lack of action to change anything. The huge
mess I'd created for everyone in my life froze me. I sat in
my middle-life and tried to please both of them.
I planned my own end to all these problems ... it would be
easier for everyone that way. My husband, the kids, family,
and friends wouldn't need to know the real story. I'd be out
of the picture, so no more problems. I slept in my car many
nights, planning the best way to go about a tidy end. I had
always been able to solve my own problems, but I couldn't find
the answers to this mess.
Guilt at 'what I had done' became the motivator for change.
I came out to my husband one night in early 2000 (I was nearly
43). I'd wallowed in guilt, and convinced myself I did not
deserve a good life. I made myself tell him so he could leave
our marriage knowing he had not contributed to the break-up
in any way! I had cleaned, washed, and ironed everything ready
to be asked to leave the house - and accepted that it was right
that I should leave!
From that moment on, my life began to improve. Outwardly,
not a lot changed ... we were both still in the house (different
beds). Each day I felt better about coming out. I was ready
for my husband's mood swings, the anger, the hurt, the depression,
the pleading; I'd been through it all in my head as I'd pictured
the 'terrible' reactions my news would cause!
I joined Bfriend when I realised I was stuck in this twilight
zone with my husband; I didn't want to be with him, but I couldn't
actually leave him. He wasn't going to leave me. This was another
problem and I couldn't see what was happening. Eventually,
over time, and after lots of writing and talking with Chris
(my Bfriend buddy), I took off for three months travelling.
It was to be time for me.
I came out to family (by letter) soon after I began my journey.
(The responses were all very supportive). Each day I felt stronger
and stronger. I had many adventures whilst away. I learnt to
live with the questions I had and not try so hard to always
want to find the answers. I learnt to enjoy the simple things
in life again. Best of all, I found joy again! I had learnt
to be alone with myself and liked who I was. I felt free, I
felt like I could do anything, I felt like I was a kid again.
I found joy inside me and I hadn't even thought of looking
there! It came when I sat near a bubbly waterfall, swam in
a fast flowing gorge or a gentle pond, or when I watched the
stars as I sipped a red at night. I'd found my own happiness
and I've never lost it since ... it's just grown ten-fold!
On my return, I saw how the creation of a middle-life for
myself had lodged me squarely in a passive 'pleasing' role;
give little of myself, but taking on the responsibility for
the happiness of others. Somewhere in my middle-life, I'd come
to believe that other people's happiness was more important
than my own; that I was different and not deserving.
I've learnt that we all have a right to happiness.
The Now
You might have seen me around. You might even know me. But,
take another look! I've changed! I'm the one with the big grin
on my face. I have great joy in my life, and right now I'm
bursting with it! In just a few months, I have bounced into
my future.
I am not so serious now ... I don't worry about finding life's
answers. I don't bury myself in my job now ... in fact I'm
starting to look for a new one. I share myself with people
now ... I can tell you about me.
I've just been to see my parents in Victoria (it's 12 months
since I sent them my coming out letter). For the first time
in a lifetime, I was able to share some of my thoughts, and
feelings. I have never felt so open and honest and safe with
them before. We talked and shared things we never knew about
each other. For the first time I feel like I've let my parents
get to know me and in doing so they have become known to me
as I never knew them before.
At my brother's house, a photo was taken of me holding my
young niece and nephew. My family all comment on how happy
I look. Lots of people have said that I look happy!
There's another reason for my happiness ... recently I met
the love of my life and I am totally 'gob smacked'! I lived
my middle-life so deeply, for so long. I had made it difficult
for anyone to get close to me; no one really knew me! I didn't
open up to anyone.
My middle-life crumbled in just a few days. I felt the emotional
connection I'd heard others talk about. This amazing woman
reached in to my soul and found me there! Now ... I have found
love that I never imagined possible. Now I understand what
other people feel when they talk about love. Now, I can give
everything I have because I know that in the giving I am creating
a space in me for her.
Coming out means I no longer feel different from everyone
else; I know many people just like me. I am not alone.
Now, I feel great joy and happiness in my life; I am finally
being true to myself. My child-spirit has returned and I've
found my heart's longing.
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