It all Began with Dry Lips

Well, no, I'd always known I was same-sex-attracted and when I was a teenager I decided I wasn't going to be ashamed of the feelings and fantasies because they were good feelings, by God. Absolutely no way I'd tell anyone though, because the world doesn't understand, that much I knew before anyone ever said anything directly. It was all in the things they didn't say and that I didn't see around me. I never fancied girls at school though, so I never stopped and asked myself if I might be lesbian. I didn't have close relationships of any sort with females within family or with friends for that matter, and most girls seemed too unlike me somehow. The fact that I didn't fancy boys didn't strike me as too odd either, since plenty of girls had the same complaints about them that I did. A libidinous creature, I just went along with the idea that it was only with boys that I could express that side of myself. The idea of a fully rounded relationship with a female remained in the well fenced-off fantasy section of my brain, even when I fell for women here and there. I attributed the sadness and loneliness to my general low self-esteem which spoiled most chances of fun in life. Not to realise that I was part of the wonderfully diverse and often courageous community of SSA people is one of my regrets, and to have found some identity finally in my 40s is one of my joys.

So around 40 I was joking with someone about dry lips, saying they're probably atrophying from lack of use, and we went on to jolly fantasies about mutations and things that people without lips might do instead of kissing. The next day it hit me that I'm not supposed to be wanting to kiss anyone but my partner of almost 20 years. So that's IT? For good?? Shit. All those feelings never expressed- can that be right? This led not to desire for an affair but to realising that my SSA side is not just a small thing but a major part of me that had never been clearly expressed, except to myself. I was fine with the idea of being attracted to women. Telling anyone was unthinkable. This contradiction hit me in a blinding flash of the obvious, and I knew I had to talk to someone.

It took another year or two of getting comfortable with emotions in general to get to that point, and once I'd spoken to a counsellor I knew I had to tell my partner. I was having a minor surgical procedure the same day and I can tell you which one I feared most. At least one of them included anesthetic! But out it came. Feelings: Lightness and Rightness. My God I Actually Did It. Guilt and Terror and Guilt as I watched his suffering, as though I'd had an affair except without the fun, no lover for comfort and no way to comfort him. But I knew it was out of respect for my partner that I couldn't deceive him. And pride and liking for the way I am. Shit, that's new! OK, if you're coming out, bottle those feelings since you're gonna need heaps of them, especially if you're anything but totally gay.

Next, find your label. "I'm me" isn't terribly helpful. With the fear, uncertainty and vulnerability that comes with coming out, the need for support and finding like-minded people was enormous, especially in the absence of active support from current friends. The labels themselves become limiting, though. I enjoy sex with my partner so I began with "bisexual". A few weeks later I used this description when telling a good friend. I had hoped for someone to talk to while working out what it means for me. She went very stiff and strange. She said "Are you going to involve me in playing tricks on your partner?", "You just want a big reaction", and "I'm not going to think about it". Think about what? I didn't understand at all. Honesty is really paying off, boys and girls! Feelings: Confusion, Hurt, Anger, Loss and another truly shitful year in so many related and unrelated ways. My friend remains important to me and we get on OK now. See also my book "Personal Development for Fun and Torture in 3,785 Difficult Steps". End result: Bisexual is a dangerous way to describe myself due to massive, popular and often unconscious misconceptions among straight and queer, and suggests more attraction to men than I feel. Another result: I'm SO better at recognising when other people have stuff to deal with and trusting that whatever they do is not up to me.

During that first shitful year a truly Great Thing did happen, and that was finding Bfriend at the Adelaide Central Mission. Those people are magic.

Among lesbians I had to come out again to say I'm NOT wanting to leave my partner. Conversations were sometimes respectful and sometimes confronting. They all helped me decide if I was clinging to something out of dependence and fear of change, or if the relationship, which happened to be with a man, really was something valuable. In the bisexual group, begun through Bfriend, I wasn't sure of my credentials either, because I'm not attracted to men in general. (Scary thought # 897: if I'm not attracted to men maybe I shouldn't be having sex with my partner! I've worked through that one, and it's based on the whole relationship and history). This group became known as Outskirts and describes itself as "SSA women who don't rule out relationships with men", to allow for the uniqueness of individual lives. Lots of support, openness, permission to be silent, laughs and tears. It seemed much simpler at the start- I wanted support around my SSA and I thought anyone else SSA would understand the difficulties, though I'd heard that Bi folks can have a rough time. I thought the whole idea behind coming out was to be accepted as MYSELF. I didn't plan to join another group with rules and restrictions. The need for safety in numbers is a powerful force and I recognise the huge struggle that has gone before me to establish a lesbian/gay identity. I wasn't looking for the defensive false comfort of the "us and them" approach, however. Eg lesbians having a go at hetero women (you can tell just by looking), or someone wearing make up, is not my idea of being ok. So now I call myself SSA and if you want the details we can have that conversation. Just like with anyone who calls themselves anything- you may have different interpretations from mine.

I have met many and varied people along the way through groups run by Bfriend and at Out For Tea at Caos Cafe. Without this contact I would have had far less opportunity to put my wants, needs and circumstances into perspective. This is something my partner lacks. While making the effort to understand and be accepting of who I am, he has little support or comparative information for his own fears and the process of working out what he can and can't live with in a relationship.

It's the second anniversary of coming out to my partner as I write. Where has is got me other than into a world of hurt? Who am I? I've found it to be a search about more than just sexuality, and some clarity has happened. I've found that my current relationship is something I'm choosing, not just a habit. I've found some truly stunning people. But I'm still on the outside looking in, being attracted to women and not allowing the full range of possibilities because I haven't negotiated that with my partner. We're working on it, but is hope one of the feelings? I don't know. I still expect to either lose that relationship, or to give up, out of sheer exhaustion, on the part of me that never was. The pressure to choose is immense, but mention the word non-monogamy and it's another coming out, no matter which group I'm with (including bisexuals, by the way). Assumptions about moral responsibility and confusion between commitment and dependence go flying all over the place. I've absorbed those messages too, and never would have got around to considering non-monogamy if I hadn't found a relationship with a man that is good in so many ways - if not for him I'd have grabbed the lesbian label and maybe never thought more about it. That would have been great, and I'm so glad I've thought further about the parts of me that can be expressed. AND I want it all to go away! The idea of even considering non-monogamy certainly went down like a lead balloon with my partner, though I only began my relationship with him due to his negotiated non-monogamous relationship at the time! The odds of someone wanting a deep relationship with me when I come with a family package don't encourage me either. I've been there myself, and though happily enough, I know the practical limitations.

I want to scream IT'S UNFAIR! I don't want to hurt anyone and only want what so many can take for granted. I'm fed up with explaining and analysing and justifying. I can't accept that a relationship is better by virtue of being the only close one in my life. I think every relationship is unique because people are. I can't accept that one person should be everything to me forever. If I won't go behind my partner's back, what then? I have felt that being in the SSA community only opens me up to the frustration of witnessing what I can't have. I dread meeting another woman I'm attracted to and having to silently watch her fall for someone else. That never happened with boys, too often with women, but I still felt like a complete idiot being rocked by such an experience last year. Mind you, it was already the year from Hell and I was in the worst shape to deal with it. Hiding it from my family. Amazed at the difference it makes now I'm more out, since I'm hardly a stranger to "unrequited love". (How many times can you go through that and stay sane? Crushes are bad enough but where does love go when it can't be given?). The possibilities are real to me now, but as far away as ever. Watching so many pair off, some never to be seen again. All easier to deal with if there's some idea that something may be possible for me one day without the cost being more than I can bear.

I'm finding out more than I ever expected to about relating and the need for true independence, about the role of sex and honest talking in relationships, the nature of "love" 'and friendship. A painful process. I do feel sorry for many who avoid much close examination. I'm glad for those for whom things are working, whatever their choices. And the scope for humour is enormous, just not the strongest element for me right now. Right now I'm into BAH HUMBUG and neediness. May FEAST help me lighten up!

The novelty has worn off. I often believe I haven't the strength to keep being me. There's no going back either. Kind of like the longest labour ever- no good telling the midwife I've changed my mind and I'm going to get a budgie instead. What will be born remains to be seen.

Cripes, my lips are dry... ....

It's almost another year on now. I definitely want a budgie. I've done lots more working through values, fears and practicalities with my partner to the point where I could have a relationship with a woman if I found her. Here's where the plot thickens: it's now up to the outside world, and my stamina in dealing with that world.

The experience I had when first coming out to my friend has been repeated in different ways. My motivations have been misunderstood because of more assumptions. What else was known about me and my values seemed not to count. Deeply disturbing when coming from people who have known me a long time and it has me doubting my ability to communicate clearly. Makes me think of something Arthur Bloch said: "A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking". What motivates us to think beyond what's comfortable or seems relevant? How many perfectly nice, intelligent people think bisexuality and non-monogamy are synonymous? How many think non-monogamy can only be a negative concept no matter how it's done? Would it help if I said I want to be bifidelitous! !? Now there's a word!

I've run out of energy or even willingness to keep trying to explain my circumstances in a way that allows people to trust in my need for closeness with a woman. That lack of validity or trust is the thing that upsets me most. I crave a comfort zone somewhere. The lesbian community is not much safer than the heterosexual, unless I go into another closet and don't admit I have boy-germs. It's hard to really feel part of a group when issues that include my situation don't arise naturally. I want to respect spaces that are for 100% lesbian only, if that's what's wanted. When is it just keeping people comfortable about their biphobia? How do I know where I'm really welcome? Lesbian privilege must be nice. I hate that if I'm with a male I'm assumed to be straight, I'm so proud of my feelings about women. Is that heterophobia? What does a lesbian who has assumed I'm lesbian think if she sees me? There's no uniform to proclaim bisexuality.

I've had two and a half years of watching others, of taking myself off to groups, meetings, dinners and gatherings. I have met almost no-one in my situation, though I'm told they're out there, only women who essentially want to leave their male partner, or many who have done. Over and over my decision to stay with my partner has been interpreted as either not feeling deeply about women, I just want a bit on the side, or I don't have the courage or clarity to leave. Perhaps it's the irresistible allure of heterosexual privilege. If I choose to stay, I must be happy enough. If I'm miserable, of course it's because of my relationship at home and I should leave. Couldn't be anything to do with never having a woman in my life and the attitudes I'm finding, could it? Nah.

Maybe my deciding to act on my sexuality doesn't represent the same shift it has for many women. I never did feel the urge to do the usual thing, get married, have someone else's name. I was a stroppy feminist in my teens and found real pride in being a woman then, which met its acid test in being with a man, rather than the compromising that those of the "boy-germ syndrome" suggest. I've heard extraordinary assumptions about how limited heterosexual relationships are; guess we have the movies to thank for that! Leaving behind the life I've chosen up to now isn't as appropriate for me as for many. I've certainly had enough of the well-intentioned but smug lectures about how I'll get there, "there" being the place where I finally have my priorities straight (no pun).

"Thou shalt choose" is so relentless. It's easy to believe that my feelings for a woman will never ever seem to be quite enough unless I ditch my current relationship (and my kids 50% of the time). If I were to ask someone what they'd give up to prove their feelings for me it would probably seem an unfair question. I have tried so hard to believe that I need to leave, just to make more space, end the tension and the isolation- I could be one of the gang then! But it doesn't fit. People's objections don't usually have to do with the practical limitations either. I've only been asked about that side of things once or twice! It always comes down to whether my feelings and commitment are trusted. Any idea how much honesty and commitment it takes to go through this with a partner in the first place? To keep negotiating, going against the flow without the support of a "community"? Me, I trust people MORE if they're ok enough with who they are to tell the people they're close to. I know having a partner is a big issue. I know about the need to feel special. But for me my pre-existing relationship with a man has little to do with my need to be close to a woman. They are not interchangeable. It's something that looks like a bigger issue from outside than it feels for me from the inside, especially to someone not familiar with long-term relationships perhaps.

So I gave up. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. If I'm staying with this relationship I won't hope for any other. Then I get "Oh, but you mustn't have a negative attitude!" It's always turned into my problem. I have been very angry at that. There's no answer now, except to try to have faith. Keep Outskirts going. I'm SO tired of talking about all this- people will make up their own version anyway! Too cynical? Maybe- I'm just into survival, seriously, not wasting energy. I have to shut off some feelings to preserve my mental and physical health. Some things are too difficult for fragile emotions and there's no shortage of emotional demand in other areas of my life. I'm pulling back from some things lesbian. Would a starving person keep hanging around restaurants and watching their friends eating? It's like the mirror in Harry Potter- seeing the thing you don't have can drive you crazy. I'm still meeting women, but the shutting down has not been good for my existing relationship, my humour or my creativity. Cutting off an essential part of me is not good for the other bits, but what else to do?

The anger is less now, however. During a spell away from Adelaide I realised that the troubles I've had are less a reflection of my shortcomings, many though they be, than ways to show me how far I've come in my life. If people don't get it, it doesn't mean I have it wrong. I love that people are so different. It's just lonesome.

I'm finding people slowly. I'm clearer about where to put my trust and where I'm trustworthy. I was feeling a bit backward to be going through some things in my 40s, but I know the time up to now has not been wasted. I like me more and more. That will have to do.

As for the lips - can't afford to think about it.

Back to Stories