Tune-up 2001

When I was asked to write about my story of "coming out", my instant reaction was "shivers, am I"? Coming out for me really is an unfinished process. There are times now when I am not particularly conscious of my sexuality. Times when it feels as though its assumed a rightful place as part of who I am. Still, there are times when I am very conscious of my sexuality, and with a real sense of pride. There are times when there is the temptation for me to stun my colleagues by making some wisecrack, that would identify my sexual preference. There are times when I am astonished and delighted at the 'distance' I have travelled from my first walking into a bookshop to buy a book which was written by a lesbian. I purchased it and another unrelated book, one I didn't really need, just to throw the shop assistant off the scent so to speak. Still, there are times when I chastise myself for having not spoken up or taken an opportunity to speak with pride in support of gay and lesbian people. There are times as I see the love family and friends (some old, some new) have shown me that I can't imagine what it was like before they knew or why I kept it hidden. Still, there are times when I struggle with the best way and time to tell another important person in my life.

But there is mostly the knowledge that I am now discovering and re-discovering what it is to be living my life. The day after I was finally able to voice the truth about my sexuality to one person, it felt like I had started a new, invigorating but unknown journey, but it also felt like a journey home. There I was, on the one hand breaking open a heavy, bolted door and letting the air and me flow through, and on the other I was standing in the doorway with arms outstretched welcoming myself home.

Before then the growing awareness of my sexuality had been like some deep, deep secret that I intended never to voice. Even with a belief in a compassionate God, I had not allowed this God to fully embrace all of me. Whilst I had always believed in a God 'who loved and accepted me anyway', it was at this time I also became intensely aware that this God 'loved and embraced me full stop', the 'anyway' wasn't necessary. There were wonderful people and times in my life, but the joy of this had become overshadowed by a growing divide, between what I let people see of me and what was happening inside of me. I was in a heterosexual long-term relationship and we had young children. I lived amongst a supportive community and we were at a place where we enjoyed financial security, having had many years without it. Yet, all of this did not prevent a growing awareness that I was grieving for something. What started as a dull ache continued to deepen and suck much of my energy with an array of other feelings- of guilt, a genuine love for my partner and the needs of our children. Following this period of discovery and my first 'coming out' steps, and for reasons of personal choice my partner and I later separated.

I was now a single parent, responsible for guiding, and providing for young children, at the same time, as I felt I was also starting a new life. I felt the support and understanding of those close to me who I gradually, but at times quite boldly, 'came out' to. I could feel quite a change from those first few tentative 'coming out' steps taken a few months earlier. I did choose people I felt 'safe' to do this with, as this level of exposure was all so new to me. I was expectant, excited but a little nervous about the future.

The next question was how to connect with other gay and lesbian people as I had very few contacts at this stage and it felt daunting. I had heard of a support organisation, "Bfriend", for people questioning their sexuality and so I made contact with them. This was a hugely significant part of the `coming out' process for me as I was greeted with genuine warmth and the reassurance of encouragement in the steps I had taken so far. I was also given a much needed starting point to a link with a community. A little later when a volunteer came alongside me too, I was able to meet and talk openly with her and was provided with a safe and warm means for my questions. I had never imagined being able to voice any of these guarded aspects of me, but now it was just happening. It was incredibly liberating, especially as these steps were being acknowledged with such respect.

Attending "Out for Tea", at the Caos Cafe for the first time felt like a major step in my outing process. `Out' in a public venue for the first time, with a large group of other same sex attracted women, and what if someone spoke to me as well. Thankfully, they did. I have now attended several such dinners, some Bfriend workshops and my first Feast Opening Night, I feel like I am developing a level of confidence and a sense of belonging. To walk into a pre-Feast get together and see many welcoming and familiar faces and be able to walk up and just start talking, felt so incredibly good. It does take time and some persistence. Life continues to bring with it many new challenges, emotions and experiences. I especially value the friendships I have formed here. There are beautiful people with deep, inspiring and unique stories who have been willing to share aspects of them with me and this has enabled and encouraged me to continue the process of "coming out".