Bastian's Story

Coming out for me has been an on-going process over the last twelve years. I suppose, in hindsight, it began when I became sexually active at the age of eleven. I always knew I was attracted to men, but this didn't fit in to the life I perceived I was meant to undertake; the life laid out for me by parental expectations and the influence of the media.

Like a lot of kids, I experimented with other young boys, but as I grew older, I began to feel very different from my peers. I went to a fundamentalist Christian school where I became heavily involved in the church. I had a girlfriend, but all I would do was kiss and hold hands. I said that anything else was against my religious beliefs. In reality though, I couldn't stand the thought of having sex with a girl. In year 12 I was a prefect and considered a pillar of the school. It was at this age- sixteen or seventeen- that I knew I was gay. But it went against everything I was taught to believe, so I buried these feelings deep within. I was so scared of going to Hell that I began living in an emotional hell of my own making.

I gave the outward appearance of being homophobic to cover my feelings. After being at Uni for a while, a close friend and I were discussing homosexuality, and I told her I was gay. She told me I was too nice to be gay. Little did she know I was fooling around with men at beats. Just doing this made it all seem dirty and unwholesome.

I had a group of friends I caught the bus to school with, and one day one of them came out to me, and I came out to her. Then came the parents; this was harder. I arrived home drunk, aged seventeen, and to take the heat off the fact I was drunk, I told them I was gay.

I was immediately sent to a psychiatrist, the issue being that I was molested as a child. In their minds this is what made me gay, and it was just a phase I was going through anyway. For the next year I changed from gay to bi to straight and back again- whatever seemed to keep others happy.

At eighteen I got a job at the Mars Bar like so many young gay men, but still I had doubts. I met my first boyfriend at nineteen. I was with him for over six years, during which, to impress him, I tried turning straight. I actually slept with a woman, but at the same time I really began to accept the fact that I was gay. While I was with him he always considered my gayness disgusting- because he identified as straight even though we fucked each other. He was the man who took my virginity, and I was lacking so much in self-esteem that I believed all the insults and put up with all the physical abuse. This led to heavy drug addiction.

When he died, I worked hard to come to terms with my sexuality. I eventually put myself in rehab, and discovered that I had never 'come out' properly. I became a heterophobe, and insisted on being treated with respect. I was arrogant and intolerant towards any form of discrimination or homophobia.

Over the last year I have become very comfortable with my sexuality, and now see everyone as human. I no longer shove my sexuality in people's faces. I have found this to be a much happier way of life. For me, my sexuality is between me and the person I share intimacy with. I will not be silenced, but I will not be overtly outspoken unless I deem it appropriate.

I also came out to my natural family when I met them at the age of twenty one. This was uneventful and reasonably easy. I never had a problem coming out at work, as these days discrimination laws are so tight that no-one dares. Believe me, these laws come in handy at times.

Although for me coming out was traumatic, the process taught me so much. It has been a journey of self-discovery, a process of concreting my ideals and drawing up distinct boundaries in my life. I lost friends, but obviously they weren't real friends. My parents now are proud of me and do not accept homophobia. Their wish is for me to be happy. I feel the level of disclosure to others is up to the individual. We don't all have to be trail-blazers, and we will not always agree, but it is important to support one another and always be proud of who we are. We are firstly human, and secondly homosexual.