Bark Chips and Lawn Clippings

Sharon Whiteoak

The whole idea of it made me feel sick to the stomach. Angela was sitting beside me at the computer determined to 'straighten' me out.

'You just haven't had a good experience with them Sharon' she told me as I sat watching the screen behind my own splayed fingers. 'You just can't jump the fence entirely before you know what you're really missing, that's all'. She turned and keyed in a few more popular male websites.

My good friend Angela already experienced with both males and females was attempting to tap into any remote interest I still held in the male of the species. I laughed as she clicked an image to enlarge it. She sighed heavily. 'Now that my dear is a picture of perfected manhood.'

'Oh gross', I gasped as I opened my fingers slightly to view, 'If I saw that heading toward me I'd run!' What we were looking at was an enlarged 12-inch phallus in length and at least 3 in diameter.

She fell back on the chair laughing, 'Oh, Sharon, if you can't be at least remotely interested in that, there's absolutely no cure for you!'

She checked her watch. 'OK sweetie I have to run, Tim is due home any minute' She winked and kissed me on the cheek. 'I'll see you later, let me know how you go with your dad'.

As she turned to leave she placed her hand on my shoulder, 'Quite seriously sweetie, there's an extra room waiting for you at my place, if things go awry, OK?'

'Sure Angela, I know.' I hugged her. 'You're a good friend.'

When she left, I hastily turned off the computer, sighed and rubbed my temples. I'd convinced myself that tonight was the night I was going to inform my father of my deep attraction to females. I hadn't actually been intimate with any girl, but it was something I was sure of and felt strongly about. Angela felt that I shouldn't come out in any shape or form to my parents until I had consummated what I was feeling with another woman. I felt differently however. I felt at times that my thoughts were choking me up inside and I was feeling overwhelmed by at all. I'd always shared a close relationship with my father and not many secrets had been left untold. I felt guilty each and every time I snuck out to be with lesbian friends. If I had a boyfriend, I'd tell him I was dating so why should it be any different with a girl? I asked myself. Because you're not dating! The voice inside screamed at me. Maybe I should just wait until I meet the right woman and spill my guts then. My thoughts of backing out were pushed away however when I heard the front door open and the familiar noise of my father as he stomped down the hallway.

Dinner was strained and for the most part silent. 'Why so grumpy?' he asked as I stabbed at the sausage on my dinner plate almost viciously. 'I'm not, just had a pretty tiring day.'

'Oh yeah?' he enquired one eyebrow raised. I left it at that and didn't elaborate.

'Hey, want to go for a drive after the movie?' I asked him. It was our normal custom after dinner to sit down at the television and catch the 6 o'clock film on Showtime.

'Sure' he answered.

All right! I thought, confession time.

Watching the movie turned out to be an excruciating experience. Since realising my same sex attraction, it seemed that everywhere I went I couldn't escape it. Film, television, books and even trips to the local shopping centre, I felt gays and lesbians surrounded me. When the two central female characters of the film embraced and kissed intimately I rolled my eyes and sighed. I looked over to check my dad's reaction but he was engrossed in the film. I felt like shutting the film off and censoring it for the time being. Just before the credits rolled, I excused myself from the room and snuck a cigarette before admission time. I'd been smoking cigarettes for close to a year and he still never suspected. My smoker's shack was located in the back yard behind the chicken pen, and I puffed quietly trying to psych myself up for the conversation I was to have later. Why did life have to be so bloody difficult? I asked myself as I threw the butt of the smoke into the garden. As an afterthought I toed the butt into the ground, covering up the evidence with bark chips and lawn clippings

Night-time drives were quite common for the two of us. Whenever I had problems sleeping or he just felt like he wanted to get out of the house, we'd head off out in the car. Sometimes we'd take a couple of CD's with us and play them in the Discman. Each night we'd drive somewhere different. Sometimes we'd go to the beach, or other times we'd check out a new housing development and pick out our dream house. Tonight however I really didn't know where we were going. He wanted to talk about mum, I could tell. Her birthday was easing closer, and he was unsure as to whether or not he should buy a gift. I sighed heavily. 'OK, what's up?' he asked. 'You've been in a bad mood for ages and you never speak to me anymore. You've been going out a lot with friends, who I don't even know. Are you too ashamed of me to introduce them? I mean, what's going on?'

'No, dad it's not that it's just....' I was choking back tears now and consciously fingered a cigarette hidden in my jean pocket.

'What's troubling you Sharon? You can tell me anything, you know that.'

OK, I thought as I bit my lip, here goes. 'Dad, I smoke cigarettes.' I blurted out and began to cry heavily.

'Oh geeze,' he shook his head. 'Why? You know that's what killed your grandmother. Passive smoking, that's what. I mean, why would you do something like that? It's a filthy habit'.

'I know' I shook my head as if disgusted with myself, 'And as of tomorrow I'm giving up!'
Dad gave me a puzzled glance as he took a hard turn. 'What else is there Sharon? I mean is that all you want to tell me? Tell me it's not drugs'.

'Oh god no dad, it's not drugs, it's just that the friends I've been going out with lately are lesbians.'

'Oh OK' he chewed that one over slowly. 'So, that's why you've never bought them into the house.... Because they hate men?'

I rolled my eyes and just cried harder. How do I explain this?

'No dad, I'm sure they're perfectly cool with men. It's not that. It's just I'm one too.'

He took a moment to register, and then said slowly as the realisation hit him like a sledgehammer. 'You're one what?' When I didn't answer he proceeded. 'You like girls too?'

'Yes dad, I like girls.'

'Ooh, I think it's time we turned back home'. I silently agreed.

The house was deathly quiet for the next few hours, as he had headed into his room and I into mine. I wrote a quick email to Angela letting her know that I had finally come out to my dad, and was at this point unsure as to how things would be. Around 10-ish he knocked and said a cup of tea was waiting for me in the lounge room.

He sat on the edge of the sofa and said nothing for the moment. I saw the rims of his eyes were red from crying. 'Sharon, do you have a girlfriend? ' He asked.

'No'. I picked up the tea from the coffee table and took a small sip.

'Ok,' he said softly. 'Have you had a girlfriend before? I mean are one of these friends you've been hanging out with lately, are they...?' He let the question trail. 'No dad I'm not seeing any of them.'

I could feel the sigh of relief.

'So how do you know? I mean bear with me here, Sharon. This is all new to me'

I looked at him then and felt pity. The feelings I'd been experiencing and been able to come to terms with over a period of months, he'd just been hit with a few hours ago.

'You've had boyfriends' he slapped his knee as if unsure of what to say next.

'I know,' I said 'But they just weren't right for me. It didn't feel right. I've always liked girls, I just didn't know how much until a few months ago.' He waited for me to go on.

'I've never been with a girl dad.'

'But it's something you'd like to try?'

I nodded, 'It goes deeper than that though. I know that being heterosexual isn't for me. I mean, it's like you grew up as a boy liking girls. I've been the same. I've tried really hard to like boys, and I do. But...'

'You just can't live with them' He finished my sentence for me.

I nodded and we were both silent.

'Are you going to throw me out?' I asked timidly.

'Geeze, Sharon.' He exclaimed. 'You're my daughter. I can't throw you out!' He was incredulous.

'Well I know that one of my friends dad's threw her out when she told him. He didn't like it...'

'Wow, that's unbelievable. I could never throw my own child out of her home. I mean, I can't say I like this very much but I could never do that.'

We hugged then, and I started to cry.

'I love you Sharon.' He said as he patted my back. He hardly ever said that.

'Love you too, dad' I mumbled.

He checked his watch for the time. He patted my shoulder reassuringly and left. The whole talking process was exhausting for the both of us.

Over the next few days I had a lot of talking to do. It was funny the way I had assumed that once I'd told my father I was a lesbian, that it would just be over. I had figured he'd both disown me and throw me out, or he'd accept it and we'd never have to speak about it again. In fact as dad fought to understand it, it was much more complicated than that. His main concern was not being able to talk about it with his buddies or church friends and he felt the isolation that I had in fact been feeling. After tapping into a few gay and lesbian support services I located a group to support parents primarily and referred him on. As time went on, he made friends within the group and was going out more than I was on a social level. He began suggesting to me, what groups I should in fact join and invited me to meetings and gatherings. I politely declined, but in retrospect, I should have really gone. I'll always remember the time he looked at me and said, 'You know Sharon, I really believe I'm taking this lesbian business far more seriously than you are'.

I knew that he had really accepted my lifestyle the day when I came home to find a patch of lawn dug up out the front and a row of roses planted. He came out from the house, offered me a drink, wiped his hands on his jeans and said, 'Sharon the garden is for you. I know it wasn't easy coming out to me and telling me what you did. I really appreciate the fact that you did though. I want you to have this garden, and put whatever you want in it. It will be symbolic of the secret you held inside for so long and the bravery you had in telling me'. I don't think I'd ever hugged my dad so tight. I really was blessed by having such a great dad.