Barb's story

Know All the Possibilities of Your Impossible Dream

Childhood

My life began at Calvary Hospital on July 2nd 1949. I was the youngest of three sisters. When I was thirteen years of age my mother gave birth to a stillborn male child. This was devastating for my parents, who desperately wanted a son. I became the boy they wanted, and was called John until I was fifteen. I actually liked being a tomboy. It seemed to me boys were treated better than girls, and they got more attention and had a lot more fun. I loved playing 'Cowboys and Indians'. I was unbeatable at marbles. I was good at all sports, especially tennis and cricket and kicking a footy around. I wasn't that good on the overhead mark, but pretty good on the old chest mark. Because of my gender, I could only dream of being a footballer. I knew this would have made my parents very proud as they both loved the game. We were mad Glenelg (Tiger) supporters. I went to watch footy training with my Dad every Tuesday and Thursday night, and then the game on Saturday. On reflection, and being honest, I was never going to be a Tony Modra or even have Crows potential.

I often went to the trots at Wayville on a Saturday night with my Dad. And when the cricket was being played between Australia, the Poms and the West Indies, I would run down to the tram to meet my Dad after he'd finished work to tell him who got out, who was in, and how many runs they had made.

Adolescence

At 15, when I started going out with boys (like all my peers were doing) I no longer wanted to be called John. I became the girl Barbara. That was the time I did not know where I fitted in. I became numb about who this person Barbara was. After completing Intermediate (Year 10) I found I didn't know what I wanted to do for a living. I just wanted to leave school, so I did. One Saturday, looking in The Advertiser for a job, I saw an ad for a dental assistant. I hated dentists, but thought I needed a job. It was close to where I lived so I applied. I got the job and stayed in it for 32 years.

Another of my dreams at eighteen was to travel around Australia in a Combi Van. I had a close friend who wanted to go, but my parents would not allow this unless we had a third person. We couldn't find anyone. Dream cancelled. I think if I had really wanted to do this, I would have, but it was like I couldn't make decisions, because everything was unclear, and numbness seemed to work for me as a way of getting on with things.

Marriage

In the late 60s, my friends were all getting engaged.

All my friends are getting married
They're all growing old
They're all staying home at the weekend
They're all doing what they're told

Skyhooks

So I did too

I married in 1970 at the age of twenty. The marriage was asexual, which suited both my husband and myself. We were great mates. His mother was the mother I had always yearned for and we became very close. She always introduced me as her daughter, not her daughter-in-law. She was the only person I had ever met in whose company I felt completely nourished.

Children

I had been married for eight years. My marriage was social- just one big party. Lots of fun and lots of friends. I had never wanted to give birth to a child. I had never in my life considered that to be a normal thing for me to do, it just wasn't me.

Then I thought that if we were to be mainstream we should have children and be a family like everyone else. I saw a picture in the paper of a group of women arriving from overseas with adopted children. I cut this picture out and held on to it for some months. After much thought, I decided to phone one of the women in the picture whom I felt I could relate to. This led to a decision I was very clear about. It was something I really wanted to do.

In 1977 at the age of thirty, I adopted ten-month-old twins, a boy and a girl from overseas. They were in poor health initially, but within twelve months they blossomed. They were the love of my life. I left work for five years until they went to school, then resumed the same job at the dental surgery.

When my children became independent in their early teens, the cloud that had always hung over me became very black. I felt that now my children were doing their own thing, they didn't need me any more. I felt totally empty, but didn't know why. I had great kids and a man who was my best mate, a man who adored me. We were still very much in the social scene, but the numbness was still there. 'What am I about' I wondered. 'Who am I?'

Exploration

In 1996 I was at a barbeque celebrating a friend's birthday. Wine was flowing, and as usual I was in party mode when the classic k d lang song Constant Craving was played. As I listened, the feeling I had was intensely liberating. I went out and bought the CD the next day, and played it over and over. And so began the search to find Barb. This moment in my life was intensely exciting, even though I had no idea where it would take me, or what I would find, or even whether or not I would like what I found.

I rang Lesbian Line for information about places I could go to. Gay Times (GT) was my starting point. As I'm writing this, I'm having a real giggle because it took ages for me to summon up the courage to pick up a GT. I didn't want the people in the shop to think I might be lesbian. The day came when I decided to do it. Armed with a Woman's Day and a New Idea, I sort of hid it under the 2 magazines. The shop assistant asked me if I would like a bag. I wanted it to stay safely hidden under the magazines, so I said no and scurried out.

A small ad caught my attention. It was for a group of women who were questioning their sexuality. I thought about this for a while, then decided it was time to join. I thought that once I had attended the group, I would instantly pick up the pieces of the puzzle missing from my life. Wrong!

Everyone in the group knew each other, and the conversation was about what they had been doing socially, and about their new relationships. Finally, just in case I wasn't finding the whole thing uncomfortable enough, we watched a video of a naked woman with a full beard! After that, I didn't return for some time.

However, the desire to go down this path was too strong, and I couldn't give up entirely. I just needed more time to consider my options. I returned every now and then to look for things I could relate to, There was nothing I could grasp. I did learn that I was the only Lesbian virgin in the group. I came away from that meeting wondering how I could go about changing that. Where would I start? Where would I go? And the trickiest part, what do I do when I find out? I decided to keep that part very much on hold for the moment.

The other thing I discovered is that the lesbian community is not an embracing one. I recall an incident a few years ago when I was still trying to earn my lesbian wings. I went to a movie as part of the Feast Festival. I was standing alone, when a woman I had met before arrived with her new partner. I approached them to say Hi, and we had a brief chat. I told them I was on my own, and asked if I could join them. They had no choice but to say yes. This was a relief, as I did not want to appear as Lizzie Lezzie No Friend (which I was). We took our seats when some of their friends came in. I was asked to move up. I was not introduced. I felt like shit.

A little wallflower on the shelf
Standing by herself
Never had the nerve to take a chance
So let the little girl dance
Let the little girl through
She wants to pass by you!

A would is just a highway to new and enlightened confidence

The body was weak, but my spirit was set to soar.

A few months after my mother-in-law's death, I retired from my dental position, went grape picking for a few weeks, and thought about a lot of things. When I returned, I began studies in community health. I no longer wanted to tip-toe around on the perimeters. I sought professional help in an attempt to understand who 'me' was. One night at the local (where everybody gathered on a Friday after work) was to be very different from the norm. A group unknown to the regulars were enjoying a few drinks. An attractive female member of this group asked if she could buy me one. We chatted. She told me she did not want to go home with the man she was with, as he would want sex. I don't know how it came out of my mouth, but my instinctive response was "Well, would you like to come home with me?"

Soon after, I joined Bfriend, and started meeting women in the same situation as me. I slowly began to feel more comfortable in this different culture. Then I met a woman I could genuinely relate to. I came to trust her, and was honest and uninhibited in expressing by feelings with her. We caught up with each other from time to time. One day as we were walking along the river we sat down, and I looked at her, and suddenly I saw her the way I never had before. My mind and my body went into overdrive.

It's funny. I've had no trouble writing this story so far, but now I'm struggling to find adequate words to describe what happened to Barbara from then on. She changed so much, it's still hard to catch up with her. It was Run, Barbara, Run!

Step I

The first people I told were my 2 dear sisters. They didn't even drop their coffee cups. I wondered if they had actually heard me.

Step 2

I told my family. This was extremely difficult, because I knew that whatever happened, my decision would impact on their lives. My husband found it difficult to accept. It wasn't the woman-and-sexuality part, but the fact that be believed he needed me in his life.

Step 3

My fantastic, wonderful children. In telling my children, I was prepared to stand by my decision, no matter how much pain it brought me. I was prepared to respect their decision if they chose not to accept me.

My daughter's response was "Mum, it's your life. Do what you want to do, and be happy. My son's was "Oh fuck, really? Oh, that's OK. Is that it? I have to meet some mates."

Ultimately, my decision did impact on their lives. It has broadened their outlook. It has broadened their friends' outlook on life and relationships.

My children and I are close, and I see them and their friends often. Recently, they shouted me a trip to Singapore. I went with my daughter, and we had a great time together.

Step 4

My Parents. I never had a particularly close relationship with either of my parents, except with my father when I was very young. Thankfully, my beautiful sisters came with me to drop the bomb on them. I was sitting next to mum when it dropped. She flew out of her chair as though I had some terrible contagious disease. She said "If ever I see that woman, and if I have a gun, I will shoot her." I was shown the door and asked to leave.

Be yourself. Forgive, forget and forge ahead.

Step 5

Friends. I did not want my children to be the subject of any gossip. I made a special time to see each of my closest friends who knew of the restlessness I had always lived with. I had lived in the same area most of my life and my children had lived there all their lives. I did not want to leave my marriage with everyone wondering why, only to have them gossiping later about me leaving with a woman. I had to deal with it all in a completely honest and up-front way, to protect my children.

Step 6

I left my marriage after twenty seven years. I went to Nepal for sixteen days on my own. It was something I had always wanted to do.

Lesbian. Dyke. Gay. I don't care how people see me. It's not an issue for me. I feel I am a member of the human race who is same-sex-attracted. I now understand that all my emotional, physical and sexual needs can only be fulfilled with a woman. As human beings, male or female, we all crave the same things- to be healthy, to be loved, to be able to function well in the world, and to be happy. No big deal.

It's easier to fly when you take yourself lightly.

Through the contacts of my new women friends, I was told about a Community Worker job coming up at the Adelaide Central Mission. I applied, was accepted, and began work with the "Do Care" programme which provides support for older isolated people in the community. I am so fortunate to work for such a great organisation, which values, fosters and encourages difference and diversity, and promotes new initiatives. To say I love my job and the team I work with is an understatement.

A new initiative I am involved in is a Telelink programme for rural women who are questioning their sexuality. Facilitated by trained same-sex-attracted women, this will provide a confidential phone link for individuals, for 45 minutes once a week at a mutually agreed time.

My mother took a long time to accept my lifestyle, but eventually she did. Both my parents genuinely like my partner, and now, for the first time, I feel close to my mother. Sadly, in June this year she had a massive stroke, and passed away after six days in a coma. The night she was admitted to hospital, I went to visit her, and the first thing she asked was where my partner was. I was the last person to be with mum while she was conscious. This was a time I will always cherish. Since my mother's death, I have become much closer to Dad.

I am so lucky. I have a diverse range of friends, both male and female, many of them dear and old, and many of them new.

For me, the journey had been about learning to own my own body. It's been about the chance, the insight, the freedom to be androgynous.

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