Stories
A coming out story
Chris came to tell us she was a lesbian 11 years ago when
she was 33 years old; before that she had been living with
a male partner for 14 years. At that time, my husband and I
had been married for 38 years and we have 4 children so it
wasn't the first trauma we had in our family. My husband and
I had lived in Lobethal for 14 years; we'd shifted up from
the suburbs, so we were newcomers to the area. I was on many
committees in the town and I always said I was glad people
didn't know my children very well, as I knew how people talked
about other people's children, especially in a small country
town.
I had heard many times of support groups on many different
things so my first thought was to ring Women's Switchboard
and the Gay and Lesbian Counselling Service to find out if
there was a support group for parents of gay children. I found
there wasn't. I gradually went off committees and kept to myself.
I still kept searching for help as at this time my two son's
wives left them. In three months my family had disintegrated.
It wasn't only Chris coming out, it was also other events happening
to our family we had to cope with. Chris and I found it hard
to communicate with each other; we either said something we
shouldn't have or we'd do a lot of crying. Instead we wrote
each other letters. Chris wrote one letter in which she'd put
a lot of thought and emotion. When I did tell people about
Chris, I could show them this letter and this helped.
After 7 months, through Eastern Health Centre, I found a counselor
who later worked at the Adelaide Women's Health Centre at North
Adelaide. Luckily, the counselor was a married woman about
my age and she was a tremendous help to me.
I had been trying to get my husband to shift from Lobethal,
because we both had to work at growing flowers commercially
while my husband still worked in Adelaide. This worsened my
arthritis. I thought the change in my arthritis was a good
excuse to move sooner to Littlehampton but really I wanted
to shift to a place where no one knew me. I was now having
counseling regularly. In 1991 the center decided to start a
group for mothers of Lesbians. My counselor ran this for a
short time and then I became the Coordinator which was a very
interesting and challenging time for me. Mothers found it hard
to come out and seek help, because they were afraid they would
meet someone who knew someone they knew. My husband used to
drive down with me so I could have moral support and someone
to talk to on the way home. Chris always took a great interest
in what I was doing and her new Lesbian friends would come
along to the group and tell their stories. The group expanded
to provide support to mothers of gay men. After three years
the group moved because fathers could not attend the Women's
Health Centre. One mother from Sydney who belonged to Parents
and Friends of Lesbians and Gays was willing to speak out and
started PFLAG in Adelaide.
Even though I came out to some of our families and friends
I still kept to myself. I had one friend who really listened
to me. I joined Women's Health at Mt Barker when Chris was
the Chairperson of the Advisory Committee. I used to wonder
who knew and who didn't know that Chris was a Lesbian. I find
it much easier now that I can be more out. When I was confident
to speak out, I felt so isolated and alone. It was Chris's
Lesbian friends who gave me great encouragement in the early
years. I don't know if it is my generation but only one of
my friends asked me anything about what was I was doing or
involved in, yet most of them have known Chris all her life.
I have been involved in PFLAG (now called Parents Supporting
Parents) for 12 years. In 1997 I joined the Bfriend Parent
Group at the Adelaide Central Mission in Adelaide. Chris saw
an advertisement in the Lesbian Times about a course for parents
of gay children. She thought I might be interested in learning
more skills. Over these years, I have met many parents of gay
children and many gay people. We have a core at both groups
who are able to help other parents. Knowing how difficult it
was for us when our children came out, we want to be there
to understand and show support for parents going through a
similar experience. We all enjoy going to the group because
we have a common interest. We share our experiences, we accept
our children and we can discuss our concern for our children
without fear of judgement. It also decrease our experiences
of depression and isolation. We want to end discrimination
against Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual people.. We talk about how
we feel as parents of Gay children and this helps us to see
the issues more clearly. We learn more skills and read to be
better informed about homosexuality.
Some parents accept their children's sexuality but don't want
to be involved; that is their choice. I've always taken an
interest in Chris's activities and have learnt so much from
her. I've certainly grown as a person. I have met many interesting
people and I've made new friends. Chris has been an active
person in whatever she is interested in, perhaps this is why
I have been involved. If Chris had been less out as a Lesbian,
I most probably wouldn't be doing what I do. We have always
been proud of Chris's achievements and I know she appreciated
our support' she has been fortunate to have the support of
her brother's and sister's families.
I really feel for young gay people living in
the country who are coming to terms with their sexuality,
as I know how hard
it is to get help where there are no services. It takes a
lot of courage for children to come out to their parents and
friends
as they don't know how they will be received. A person's
sexuality is only a small part of who they are. I know that
it is easy
for me to say this 10 years later. However, I recently experienced
a setback, this was after Chris and I appeared in an article
in the Advertiser called "Opening the Closet : Parents
of homosexuals speaking out in support". I was reminded
that coming out in support of your child, who is homosexual,
isn't accepted by many.
I think it is very sad that more homosexual people don't come
out publicly as an example to young gay people and so that
people realize that the person you find out who is gay today
is the same person you knew yesterday.
Chris and I are in the video which PSP Flag have made, which
will be in the Women's Health Library. Nine other parents tell
their story, but because of fear of discrimination, their children
opted not to appear on the video. Chris and I are the only
parent and child in it.
I don't try to work out why Chris is gay or why other people
are gay and I don't have all the answers. I do know that Chris
being older, when she came out, and her involvement with women's
issues have helped her to understand how I was feeling. I don't
know how I would have coped if Chris had come out when she
was a teenager or if we'd had a gay son. It has taken me quite
a while to come to where I am today. Walking in the Mardi Gras
last year with Chris and a group of parents from Bfriend was
a very emotional and unforgettable experience. That's how far
I have come.
I just hope anyone who reads this article who knows of someone
in a similar situation realizes there are places to go for
help and support. However, it would be better if there were
places to go that were closer to where we live.
